Maybe

It’s so strange to be so completely wrapped up in a person while you’re with them and so totally detached away from them. That is how I am with you. I see you, I talk to you, I am enamored with you. I leave you, I forget you, and I go on with it all. What is it about me that makes me so unable to feel these feelings that it seems like everyone around me is feeling? I want to stay in “love” with someone and see my future with them and all of that jazz, but I can’t. This may be because I just haven’t met the right person, but what if that person never comes along? Will I be forced to settle and make do with whoever happens to be in the right place at the right time? So many questions, and I somehow can’t figure out the answer to any of them. I want to believe that this is how everyone around me is feeling, but I just don’t know if that is true.

For instance, I was in the car with a few of my close friends the other night driving to the grocery store to pick up a few things. While I was riding shot-gun, I listened as the two in the back went on and on about how lonely and in need of a boyfriend they were. The driver echoed their wants and I wanted to chime in, but I fell silent. Did I want these things? I was unable to materialize what I want, because I am so unsure myself. I look at my future and I see my upcoming test and sorority events. I see graduate school and graduation. But I don’t see me with someone. I see my by myself, making my own life and decisions. Does this make me a selfish person, or is this just the way I am programmed? I think sometimes people get so caught up in expectations and what they are “supposed to do” without realizing there can be gray area. Maybe we are not all meant to grow up, graduate, get married, and settle down. Maybe some of us are predestined to wander and never let their roots fully plant anywhere in particular.

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