Murky futures and fleeting feelings

I know it’s real when my feelings are persistent. There is no doubt, nor any fleeting. I feel comfortable and embarrassed and content all at the same time. That’s how I know this is something more than the countless other “crushes” I and every other person on the planet have experienced. I know this is something I want, both now and in the near future.

But what am I to do when these feelings are not matched? You, undoubtedly, feel some of what I am feeling because there is no denying the fact that we have some sort of connection. Mostly mental, which for me is even more intriguing than anything physical. Throughout high school I dealt with so many fleeting feelings, with my infatuation quickly dying shortly after a brief conversation and the sinking in of the realization that “we are not on the same page”.

I have always been rather cold with my feelings, never really being one to be overtly vocal or physical. I was and likely will never be the girl to confront you with my feelings or confront your best friend (in hopes that they’ll put “in a good word” for me). I think part of me has always been scared of rejection, as cliché as that actually is, but justifiable none the less. Who honestly isn’t the least bit scared of acknowledging and accepting your feelings only to have their foundation ripped out by the realization that they will never be mirrored.

Getting back to my original point, I feel the consequences of my silence in regards to you and it hurts a lot more than I would like, or would ever, admit. With you, there was another who was willing to go the extra mile and make their feelings known. And you, after realizing she felt this way, decided you too felt this way. Call it coincidence or destiny or whatever phrase you would like to coin it, but I question whether this situation would have had the same outcome had I been bold enough to address my feelings sooner. Maybe I am putting too much stock in myself, but there is something about the way you speak to me and acknowledge little, insignificant things about me that leads me to believe that you also feel what I do.

But then again, maybe you have fallen into the same boat I have and are doomed to sail on, never fully addressing feelings, fearful that they only give rise to murky endings.


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