The fool

I love songs that make me feel nostalgic. A more current song that brings back so many memories of past feelings and wants, and their lackluster outcomes is “The Fool” by Ryn Weaver.

The most notable line for me is “while you nurse my scars and the old flame”. For me, this line can be interpreted as a person coming back into your life that you used to, and still do, have feelings for. The way the line is phrased also leads me to believe that this person most likely knows the effect that they have on you.

Throughout most of my life, my feelings for others have been fleeting, never standing up to the test of time. However, these feelings would never completely disappear. This was usually due to the lack of clarity that would surround each and everyone of the guys these feelings were felt for. I, not wanting to push boundaries or clarify a situation that I was okay with in the moment, was willing to settle for ambiguity for fear of losing something I never really had possession of in the first place. In the end, I would assume that my feelings were not reciprocated and move on, still holding on to a small piece of hope that the other person would clarify a situation that I was never ballsy enough to question.

In retrospect, I have been okay with the people who have entered and exited my life, but I have never been the best at completely shutting the door on these chapters of my life, allowing the other person to casually come and go as they please. This gets back to the line I referenced earlier and the nostalgia that accompanied it. Each time a guy walked back in, that small flame would ignite and smolder and leave me even more burned out than before. These burn-outs, over time, left me feeling foolish and naive, hating myself for hanging onto a person who ever so clearly did not want me to.

Over time, I grew tired of the flames and purged myself of emotions and feelings that had little backbone to begin with, but somehow always managed to hold a significant part of my subconscious. I grew wiser and realized why these feelings were always so easy to dismiss and resurrect. I was putting faith in people who did not matter and relying on others to fill some made-up void. In the end, the people that have remained in my life are there by choice, not because I need them to be and this is how it should be; no one should have to deal with people who are easily detached and discarded. If this were the way it was supposed to be, the world would be tangled up in a mass of fake connections and forced relationships, doomed to be forever cluttered and bogged down.